When we fell in love, it was so romantic. We felt safe and comfortable in our lover’s presence. We were so alike, so in-tune. Yet, experienced lovers know that marriage is not all romance. We see, and may have experienced ourselves, trouble in paradise. Since childhood, we began assembling – consciously and unconsciously – a vision of what our future spouse would be like. Our families of origin, religions, previous experiences and the media all have contributed to our idea of the perfect mate and marriage. When you consider that your beloved has come with his own set of expectations and family history, it’s a wonder that couples succeed at all.

People’s expectations and assumptions about marriage, if we fail to recognize them early, can shake a relationship and impede its growth. We especially take our cues from the married people we observed most intimately: Our parents. If this model was positive, we will want what they had. If they had problems, we knew it; and we may worry that our story will be the same.

A young woman put it well in an email question to me, “I feel nervous about reaching a point where we would fall out of love. The reason it scares me is that I think my parents fell out of love a long, long time ago, sometime maybe around the time I was born. I don't feel they ever really fell back in love. My parents don't hold hands, kiss, hug, etc. They show no affection for each other. I feel that they just put up with each other. I have never really seen that they are truly happy being with each other. My fear is reaching that point with my husband. How do I calm this fear?”

None of us wants to repeat the mistakes of other couples, especially our parents. Knowing that so many marriages fail today (more than 43% of first marriages), we want our marriages to beat the odds. We can take steps cultivate loving, joyful and exciting marriages.

Whatever relationship skills we build or modes of communication we improve, it comes down to a leap of faith. When we made our vows, we stepped out in faith that God would be the third partner in our union. We would not be walking alone. We know that without care and attention, a relationship can die. We have seen it happen all too often; perhaps it is happening to us. Our faith assures us, “Fear is useless; what is needed is trust.” (Mark 5: 36). Jesus proved that love is more powerful than death. This is what makes Christian marriage unique and powerful.

Nurturing our spiritual lives, praying together and as a family, reaching out to support other couples in the hard times: We can act to improve marriages. We can decide to build the skills that restore intimacy, build trust, and calm fear in our marriages. Learning to share myself, in spite of my fears; improving how I listen to my partner; accepting my partner for who he is; and committing myself to risk doing this hard work for my marriage: These are skills that take practice and prayer. Sharing, Listening, Acceptance, and Risking Growth will take practice and time and trust. Future editions of Your Marriage, the Great Adventure will focus on these positive steps to a great marriage.

As I prepared to respond to the fearful bride, I noticed that she had copied her message to her fiancé. She trusted him with her deepest fears: A very hopeful sign of maturing love and an indication that this couple is preparing well for marriage.

What is your deepest fear? Can you share it with your spouse? It may help to do it in writing – or by email.